[Editor's Note: What follows is an email exchange between a reader and the editor regarding the Mercury's I, Anonymous blog.]
luckybulldog13pdx: Why the fuck do you keep rehashing and reprinting old IAs as new ones [RE: I, Anonymous, Dec 22]? It shows how fucking stupid and retarded you pathetic fucks are!
Editor Wm. Steven Humphrey: Are you talking about reprinting I, Anonymous submissions from the I, Anonymous blog in the paper?
luckybulldog13pdx: I am talking about ones that are online and people comment in the rant blog, then it shows up two or three months later as the IA with no comments and a new date.
[Editor's Note: This particular I, Anonymous submission was posted on the I, Anon blog on December 2... but whatever! He's on a roll!]
Wm. Steven Humphrey: So the fuck what? Shall I send you an extended list of things you should be worrying about?
luckybulldog13pdx: It shows how fucking retarded and stupid your paper really is. You guys are fucking pathetic! And why the fuck should I care what you think I should be worrying about?
Wm. Steven Humphrey: This is you: "BOW WOW WOW FUCKING PATHETIC! BOW WOW WOW RETARDED STUPID! BOW WOW WOW I AM DUMB!" (I don't think you meant to say that last part.)
luckybulldog13pdx: No that is your stupid, fucking ugly hipster ass and everyone who works at your pathetic paper.
Wm. Steven Humphrey: BOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!
TO THE EDITOR: This is one of the funniest columns/writing offered anywhere in 2011 [One Day at a Time, Dec 29, about the year in Kim Kardashian news]. I had reached a point where none but British writers/performers had me rolling on the floor with laughter until now. Ann Romano's straight-faced impassioned commentary about a person of no interest—other than appearing in various media of no interest—is hilarious.
-VeganSyd
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Thank you for your interest in my puppy ["A Dog's Life," I, Anonymous, Dec 29, about a howling puppy tied up outside a business. This note is from the puppy's owner.]. Like you, I am crazy about my puppy. I rescued her at the age of three months because I had just lost my job. I knew I had the time it takes to train and spend time with her. As a single mom, I thought that my two sons would gain important skills in having and raising a dog. And although her name isn't "Princess," she is treated like one. I shouldn't have to justify my actions to you, but I do want you to know a couple of things: 1) Dogs have coats. If you don't believe me, check out the book Inside of a Dog by Alexandra Horowitz. I'm reading it now, and it is excellently written. 2) Try to assume the best. If you are really concerned with making the world a better place (for you and others, I assume), then please, please volunteer your efforts to helping homeless CHILDREN. I have done my part to adopt a homeless dog, and given her a great life, and I am raising two amazing kids. Please do your part by being kinder, and being part of the solution instead of part of the problem.
-Michelle
CONGRATS TO MICHELLE for her impassioned defense of responsible pet ownership! She wins two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, where only movies about dogs are allowed. Sorry, "Princess"!
