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THANK GOD.
THANK GOD. Alex Wong / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Hello world, it's like a different way of living now. And thank you world, we always knew that we'd be free somehow. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

HAPPY INAUGURATION DAY! (Were you wondering if we'd ever make it here?) By the time you read this, the swearing in ceremonies for the 46th president Joe Biden and Veep Kamala Harris will be complete, while the most corrupt and dangerous president in history, Donald Trump (who had some stupid self-produced ceremony this morning that we won't talk about) is skipping the inauguration and heading to Florida (GOOD!). But let's not forget the path of destruction Trump has left in his wake, including more than 400,000 people dead from COVID thanks to corrupt inaction from the government he led.

• I'm not crying! YOU'RE crying!: Eugene Goodman—the Black officer who led a mob of rioting Trump thugs away from lawmakers—escorted Kamala Harris at the inauguration.

• On his way out the door, Trump issued 143 pardons and commutations, a list that included lots of corrupt cronies who were convicted on bribery and racketeering charges (surprise!) as well as a good number of actually deserving people championed by criminal justice activists (actual surprise!). The biggest names on the list included human turnip/former advisor Steve Bannon, who was pardoned before he was ever convicted (probably to keep his mouth shut); Elliott Broidy, a prominent Republican fundraiser guilty of financial shenanigans; and rapper (and Trump fan) Lil Wayne who was convicted on a weapons charge. Trump did not pardon himself, his ugly, terrible children, or pants-tugging creep Rudy Ghouliani—because all hell would've fucking broke loose. (Oh, and sorry "Tiger King.")

• As soon as new President Biden is sworn in, he will be off to the races, signing 15 executive actions to undo some of the harm Trump has caused. These include, but are not limited to, ending construction on Trump’s border wall and the Muslim travel ban, rejoining the Paris Climate Accord and the World Health Organization, and revoking the approval of the Keystone XL oil pipeline. But members of the Biden team are (rightfully) worried that the totality of destruction the Trump administration left behind is still hidden, and that the chaos we see is just the "tip of the iceberg."

• And amid all the hubbub of today, let's not forget that three new lawmakers will be sworn in today that will flip control of the Senate to the Democrats YESSSSSSSSSS!

• You suspected it, and it looks like it was true: According to court documents, Trump's militia chodes planned the Capitol attack days in advance, were in communication with each other as they breached the building, and led a hunt to capture lawmakers. Now the question is: Which lawmakers helped them?

• Painfully obvious headline of the day: "Melania Trump Made an Aide Write Her Goodbye Notes to Staff, Says Report."

• Meanwhile Senate MINORITY Turtle Mitch McConnell is already angling to keep the filibuster in order to slow down Democratic legislation, but new MAJORITY leader Chuck Schumer is not having it.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies are on heightened alert today, and are staffing up to prevent any potential seizing of government buildings (right-wing chuds) or vandalism (left-wing anticapitalists). Happy inauguration day, all!

• Just as a reminder that the Oregon Republican Party is absolute garbage, they issued a statement condemning the ten GOP lawmakers who voted in favor of impeaching Donald Trump, AND agreed with the idiotic conspiracy theories saying that the January 6 Capitol siege was planned and implemented by left wing groups.This is exactly why these people shouldn't be allowed to have nice things.

• According to a study by environmental scientists, federal law enforcement officers "used toxic and potentially deadly smoke grenades more than two dozen times" during last summer's run of protests in Portland, causing severe effects among some protesters. The Department of Homeland Security hasn't responded to the accusations, but maybe they'll be more forthcoming in court when we sue the pants off them.

• The Oregon Department of Education has lowered the bar substantially to allow elementary school students to return to in-person learning—even in counties such as Multnomah, where COVID cases are very high and rising. Whether parents will feel that it's safe enough to send their children back to school is another story.

• Miss the live concert-going experience? Then DO NOT MISS the new Mercury Music Series, featuring livestream performances by your fave Portland artists—debuting with the fantastic BLOSSOM! Coming at you January 28!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! Tickets are now on sale for the super sexy HUMP! 2021 Film Festival, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets now!

• Now let's catapult our eyes skyward at the WEATHER: Mostly cloudy but still dry today with a high of 45.

• And finally, I've been waiting so long to say this, and believe me, I'm saying it with relish: "SEE YOU NEVER, ASSHOLES."