• Half as Often, Twice as Annoying
• Finally! A Newspaper That Matches Your Reading Speed
• Keeping Up with the Blistering Pace of the Modern Media News Cycle by Coming Out Once Every 14 Days
• Now with Half as Many Mistakes
• The Slow, Lurching Death of Print Media—Now Cruelly and Unnecessarily Extended
• Blame Trump’s Paper Tariffs
• Unlike Willamette Week, We Can Take a Hint
• We’re Doing This for the Environment. No, Really!
• Now with 200 Percent More Staples
• Hey, at Least It’s Still Free
• Because Interesting Things Only Happen in Portland Like Twice a Month
• Still Just as Flammable
• No Longer Subsidized by Big Fluoride
• Just Like the Village Voice! Except Still in Business
• Be Honest, You Only Picked Up Every Other Issue Anyway
• It Takes Time to Write, Edit, and Design a Paper That’s This Underwhelming
• Fuck You, Internet
• Doing Our Part to Limit Papier-Mâché Puppets
• This Is Only Temporary Until Escorts Start Advertising Again
• Rearranging Print Schedules on the Titanic
• Coming Soon... the Willamette Biweekly
• We’ve Still Got Twice as Much Hustle as Those Lazy Fucks at Portland Monthly
• Losing America’s Trust at a Slightly Slower Rate Than Other News Organizations
• You Only Saw Your Dad Once Every Two Weeks, So What’s the Big Deal?
• This Is What Happens When You Don’t Text Me Back
• Look, We’re Just Tired, Okay?