• Half as Often, Twice as Annoying

• Finally! A Newspaper That Matches Your Reading Speed

• Keeping Up with the Blistering Pace of the Modern Media News Cycle by Coming Out Once Every 14 Days

• Now with Half as Many Mistakes

• The Slow, Lurching Death of Print Media—Now Cruelly and Unnecessarily Extended

• Blame Trump’s Paper Tariffs

• Unlike Willamette Week, We Can Take a Hint

• We’re Doing This for the Environment. No, Really!

• Now with 200 Percent More Staples

• Hey, at Least It’s Still Free

• Because Interesting Things Only Happen in Portland Like Twice a Month

• Still Just as Flammable

• No Longer Subsidized by Big Fluoride

• Just Like the Village Voice! Except Still in Business

• Be Honest, You Only Picked Up Every Other Issue Anyway

• It Takes Time to Write, Edit, and Design a Paper That’s This Underwhelming

• Fuck You, Internet

• Doing Our Part to Limit Papier-Mâché Puppets

• This Is Only Temporary Until Escorts Start Advertising Again

• Rearranging Print Schedules on the Titanic

• Coming Soon... the Willamette Biweekly

• We’ve Still Got Twice as Much Hustle as Those Lazy Fucks at Portland Monthly

• Losing America’s Trust at a Slightly Slower Rate Than Other News Organizations

• You Only Saw Your Dad Once Every Two Weeks, So What’s the Big Deal?

• This Is What Happens When You Don’t Text Me Back

• Look, We’re Just Tired, Okay?