Straight, monogamous, cisgender couple here. Six years together, two years married. My husband loves board games, problem-solving, and anything that gets his brain going. But like many straight white cis dudes, he’s not particularly aware of what motivates him. He’s also not straightforward with exactly what turns him on. But one thing he likes is initiating sex at the most inconvenient moment. He’ll try to get things going when I’m cooking or when we have to get dressed and get somewhere. The more I rebuff his advances, the more motivated my husband is to have sex. I think my rebuffs feel like a game for him — a fun problem to solve — but I find the whole thing pretty fucking annoying. I’ve tried asking him what turns him on, and I’ve been straightforward about his advances not feeling sexy when I’m concentrating on not burning dinner or getting dressed and out the door because we’re meeting friends somewhere or have a reservation. But it just keeps happening. Even worse, we’ve been busy lately and talked about making time for sex, so I’ve been trying to initiate more. But when I initiate at a good time, he turns me down. Meanwhile, he continues to initiate at the worst times. So, now I’m angry that he can’t seem to have a productive conversation about what he wants and that I always have to start the hard conversations. I have two questions for you:
1) How can I get him to have a real conversation with me about what turns him on? If I’m right about the rebuffs feeling like a game to him, I want to figure out ways to turn this into an actual game that feels sexy for me too. If that doesn’t work…
2) How do I get him to stop?
Jokey Unaware Man’s Actions Not Juicy Ideal
P.S. When I’m not being annoyed by the above, I find him incredibly sexy, the sex we have is great and sometimes amazing, and we have a lovely and fun life together.
1. Does it have to be a conversation?
You seem to have a pretty good handle on what your husband is doing, JUMANJI, so maybe instead of initiating an open-ended conversation in the hope your husband has an epiphany and knocks this shit off, you could just tell him what he’s doing and ask him to knock it off. If he disagrees — if he doesn’t think he’s initiating sex at the worst possible times because overcoming your resistance turns him on and/or affirms his irresistibility and/or seems like a fun game — then you can challenge him to come up with a better explanation. If he can’t, he’ll have to accept yours.
That said, JUMANJI, there’s a bigger issue here than your husband’s legitimately annoying habit of initiating sex when you’re busy with other things and/or his inability to admit to what he’s doing and why.
Your husband sounds like one of those people who wants sex to feel spontaneous — a wild, uncontrollable force that overtakes you both — while you sound like one of those people who wants sex to feel controlled and contained. (I imagine sex wouldn’t be inconvenient at those times when you initiate, which is why he passes.) Finding a workable compromise that allows for sex to be (or feel) spontaneous for him without sex being a hugely inconvenient pain in the ass for you will require both of you to give a little.
Basically, JUMANJI, I don’t think an epiphany on his part is going to resolve this conflict, but rather a pay-the-price-of-admission compromise on both your parts. He’s gonna need to demonstrate — he’s really gonna need to telegraph — more consideration for your feelings about the when of sex, and you’re gonna need to demonstrate a willingness to be (or pretend to be) spontaneous in controlled bursts.
2. Do you want him to stop?
You say the sex you have with your husband — when you have it — runs from great to amazing, which isn’t something all married couples can say. Seeing as your husband shoots you down when you initiate (something he needs to work on), JUMANJI, all this great-to-amazing sex is happening when you’re trying to get dinner on the table or out the door. If he can learn to take no for an answer when the answer is a firm no — if he can learn not to push when there’s something on the stove that really can’t wait — maybe the answer can be yes when the meal you’re preparing or the friends you’re meeting can wait.
P.S. Your husband isn’t the only one who can play games. You can lie to your husband about having dinner reservations for 7 PM when they’re actually for 8 PM and let him think he’s getting away with something when he initiates sex at 6:45 PM.
P.P.S. If you really wanna make it a puzzle and keep him out of the kitchen, JUMANJI, get your husband a cock cage with a combination lock and hide clues to the combination in other parts of the house. If he can solve the puzzle and free his cock before dinner, you will turn down the heat and have a quickie on the kitchen counter. But he’s not allowed in the kitchen — he not even allowed to talk to you — until his cock is free or his dinner is served, whichever comes first.
