Have you ever seen a successful relationship when the sex was difficult from the start? Or even stopped early in the relationship? I have been with my boyfriend since August and I honestly lost my desire for him early on. He’s a bit of a hoarder and has some self-care and cleanliness issues, which I only realized some way into the relationship. It has killed the sexual vibe for me very early, but I do feel very safe with him, very connected emotionally. Is there hope? Or should we call it friends?
Only Doomed Or Real Shot?
I’ve definitely seen relationships succeed despite sex being difficult at the start — absolutely, for sure, lots of times.
In some cases, the couple broke up, found new partners, and remained in each other’s lives as friends. But most of the couples that succeeded in the way you most likely meant — the sex was difficult at the start but they’re still happily together years later — had at some point redefined their relationships as companionate. Some of these companionate relationships were ethically non-monogamous, e.g., one or both partners were allowed to seek sex outside the relationship, but some were strictly monogamous. What I haven’t seen many examples of over the years are two people who didn’t share a strong sexual connection at the start who somehow managed to create one. And when I have seen that happen, ODORS, there was always some shared sexual interest or erotic dynamic or off-the-rack kink the two shared — there was one thing that worked — and on that rock built a good-to-great sex life together.
But what I found myself wondering as I read your question, ODORS, was why you would wanna make things work with this guy. If he can’t be bothered to bathe and brush his teeth and use deodorant when he’s trying to win you, ODORS, he’s not going to make the effort after he’s won you. Maybe there's some underlying mental health issue he’s struggling with. If so, ODORS, you can offer him your friendship and moral support — provided you can spare the emotional bandwidth — but don’t offer him a blowjob. Sucking this guy’s dick would not only be unpleasant for you, ODORS, but it would send the wrong message to him, e.g., that he’s in good enough working order (the proof: he’s getting his dick sucked) and doesn’t need to get help and make changes.
P.S. The sexless monogamous relationship — as a concept — has aways broken my brain. If being sexually monogamous means you don’t have sex with other people… wouldn’t being monogamously sexless mean you only don’t have sex with other people? If monogamy means, “I’m not fucking anybody but you,” wouldn't sexless monogamy mean, “I’m fucking everybody but you”? Perhaps someone who doesn’t wanna have sex with their partner but insists that their partner not have sex with anyone else — perhaps someone who thinks celibacy is a reasonable demand — can jump into the comments thread and explain where they get off.
Click here to read the rest of this week's Mini Savage Love (free-to-all).
